Unspoken Truths (Truth about Marriage)

I once read a book many years ago called Lies Women Believe and the Truth that sets them free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. This was a very inspiring, eye-opening, soul-searching read for myself and one I highly recommend to any woman struggling in any area of your life. The primary purpose of this book is to denounce things that we as women feel are true but are really lies. Nancy goes on to replace the lies with the truth found in the word of God. This was the catalyst of this week’s inspiration.

As I begin to think over some of the things I read in the book, it inspired me to blog about it. I didn’t go back to re-read the book, as I wanted to write from my own God-given insight on this subject. With that being said, it came to me that the lies we as women believe often times originate from “Unspoken or Unknown Truths”.

The unspoken truth I want to focus on in today’s blog is the “Truth about Marriage”. I grew up pretty sheltered in my school age years so I don’t have a lot to look back on and draw from. Shortly after I graduated from high school, I learned a life-changing lesson at a very young age. I married young, in my early twenties to be exact. I thought I knew enough and had enough Jesus for sure to get through anything. Truly, it was the very thing that carried me through those very dark days. But, looking back, I realized that although I felt I had this unwavering faith in God, I lacked a lot of practical knowledge that could have definitely aided me during those tough times. The word of God tells us that the people perish because of the lack of knowledge. Not only did I lack knowledge, I lacked emotional maturity, and on top of those two major things, my perception was off.

Knowing what I know now, I realize that there were so many unspoken and unknown truths that were hiding in plain sight from me. This blog is not designed to shift the blame or point fingers but to simply provide insight. I didn’t have the first clue what marriage was truly about at twenty-two years old. I didn’t understand the commitment that I was stepping into. Had I understood, I would have much better prepared myself for this significant role. Actually, I would have waited to understand who I was. I didn’t know who I was at twenty-two, how was I supposed to figure out myself and him? I could say, I would have married a different person. Who knows if I would have or not? One thing I know for sure, I was very ill-prepared.

The lack of knowledge caused me to believe lies that only made my situation worse. The number one lie I battled was “I was the only one that had issues in my marriage”. It appeared that every married couple I knew at the time had a solid marriage with the right guy with the exception of myself. I had so many questions? What was I doing wrong? Did I not date this guy long enough? Why me? Where was God in all of this? How do I fix it? So many questions, no answers, and seemingly no one to get them from. Why? Remember, I believe that no one else had issues except me. I actually felt I was being punished for marrying the wrong guy. My choice. My mess.

So, what was the primary unspoken truth that cause me to believe that lie? Here it is… All married people have issues. It’s a statement of fact. That is NOT often spoken. Whereas every married couple certainly is not faced with the same issue, they most definitely are faced with “an” issue. Whether it is an issue between the two of them, or an issue involving a third party (outside kids, parents, family, job, etc.). All married people at some point face issues. Guess what, no one wants to tell the ugly truth about marriage to a daunting bright eye soon to be bride. Had I known better, had I been more mature, I would have simply asked. That’s why it’s imperative to expand your knowledge about anything you are getting ready to undertake. Especially, marriage. It is one of the hardest, most challenging, greatest, life-changing tasks you will ever take on outside of having children. That’s next week’s topic.

Back to my story, I was nine years older, starting on chapter thirty by the time I entered into my second marriage. I had been in a position of prayer the year prior to meeting my current husband, I had taken a step back to re-evaluate my life and relationship with God. After meeting him, dating, and talking to the Lord. I was sure, this time I was prepared to get it all right. We were off to a great start. I was feeling all grown up. I had a good man, a good father to my eight-year-old, new baby, new home, new look on life, and more stuff than I ever imagined. I was getting ready to have the life I always dreamed of. So, I thought. Around that fifth year. Can I get you to say, five! Guess what? Issues. Totally different issues, but nevertheless issues. I must confess, I still was not as equipped as I should have been to handle the issues, I now face with an entirely different mate in an entirely different life, at an entirely different age. This time around taught me that even with the right guy, marriage is not always peaches and cream. Marriage is not full of vacations, spending money, wild sex, and constant companionship. While most marriages at some point enjoy all these things. Marriage also consist of bills, disappointments, sickness, job lost, disagreements, loneliness and the feeling of hopelessness. Now some may feel I should have known this, I did. What I didn't know was how to navigate through it all. Somewhere between the years of joys, great times, mishaps, mistakes, misunderstandings, and semi-depression. I found my way through. I give God all the glory for helping me find my way. Let me tell you, there were days I felt so in love and there were days I didn’t think I was going to make it. God led me to some life-lines that were total game changers for me. God uses people. God wants to see you put in the work.

The first life-line was people. When, I found myself being real and coming clean with myself and others (some close family and friends) about the issues I faced first within myself and in my marriage. It felt like a heavy load was lifted off of me to be able to speak out loud about it. Wearing a mask and internalizing is a death sentence. Of course, you need to choose wisely as to whom to share these sorts of things with. Pray about it and allow God to lead you to the right person at the right time to help you. To my people, you know who you are, I sincerely thank you. My second life-line was self-help. I begin to study the word of God. I begin to apply the word to my life. I had to turn the spotlight on Cheryl, not my spouse. I had to continue to do this until I became 100% sincere that I wanted God to deal with my shortcomings. It wasn't easy, it has taken years going back and forth seeking God for me. I am still a work in progress. I can still remember when my thought process shifted from wanting God to change my spouse, to allowing God to change me.

Part of the self-help was resources. With the help of God, I was directed to the right resources. Joyce Meyers Ministries was a great help to me in my time of need. I remember turning on my television one day and feeling like she was speaking directly to me. I also remember ordering my first cd from one of her collections called “Me and My Big Mouth”. While that title is/was hilarious to me. I knew that I needed to hear that particular series to start working on me. I begin to listen to her on a daily basis. I listened consistently for at least two to three years. She shared about her struggles with talking out of term, her struggle with trying to change herself oppose to allowing God to do the work. She spoke often about her relationship with her husband Dave and how she so desperately and comically tried to change him with her own tactics that never worked. God eventually showed her that she was the one in need of change.

Through Joyce Meyer’s transparency about her own mistakes, fears, and misguided desires, I learned a lot about myself. I was motivated to not only work harder on myself. I was inspired to dig into God's word and allow it to guide me into all truths. I was empowered to be more transparent in my own struggles. I desired to put in the work so that I could in turn help some other woman that may need a hand of hope.

There you have it… All Marriages Have Issues! It is an unspoken truth (not so often spoken about) that it is definitely evident in our current day divorce rates. Maybe I can't speak for everyone or all marriages per se. Today, I speak for myself to every woman younger or older that may be feeling overwhelmed, you're not enough, there's something wrong, where is God in all of this? Know this, after being married 19 years, every day is still not peaches and cream for us, things still come up. You know what I really learned, marriage doesn't stop life from happening to you and your spouse. The difference now, is I know where to find my answers, I choose to take responsibility for my actions, and most importantly I walk in the light of God's truth.

Lastly, this is the take away, although marriages have issues, there is also a remedy for every issue we face in God’s word. You just have to search for it. My favorite scripture is Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. I am a living testament of God rewarding those that diligently seek him. It is of his mercies that I am not consumed, that his compassions fail not and his mercies are new every morning. Let God’s word serve as a light unto your paths and a lamp unto your feet.

I pray that after reading this week’s blog you will take some time over a cup of tea to think about what may be an unspoken truth(s) you wrestle with. Ask God to show you in his word and/or to lead you to the right person to dispel those things and allow you to walk in the truth of life and the truth of the word of God.

Until next week… Be good to yourselves